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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507379">Staub Und Wind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatKingDad/pseuds/RatKingDad'>RatKingDad</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Six - Marlow/Moss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Katherine's grandma is the worst and I hate her, Non Catholic trying to write Catholicism, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Religious Discussion, ranch au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:41:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,275</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507379</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatKingDad/pseuds/RatKingDad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kat is suffocating in her family home and Anna is fumbling in a new place. Neither of them seem to be able to catch a break from life. What happens when they meet by chance? </p><p>KatAnna Ranch AU</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anne of Cleves/Katherine Howard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>106</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I will be putting chapter specific warnings at the beginning of each chapter.</p><p>TW: Implied CSA, Victim Blaming, Abuse</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun outside Kat’s window burned her eyes as she stared into it. She kept her gaze locked until she couldn’t take it anymore, finding a short reprieve from her boredom in the dark spots that popped up. Flopping down onto her bed, she let out a groan. If she had a choice, Kat would be outside right now, riding across her grandmother’s extensive land. She could imagine it vividly, could remember it vividly from a time before <em>he</em> showed up and her grandmother stopped trusting her.</p><p>Her cold chest would be warmed by the blazing heat above her. The horse beneath her running quickly, faster, faster, and faster until Kat couldn’t think anymore past the wind blaring in her ears. The comfort of the steady trust in the solid body beneath her. The freedom she had been allotted, small as it ever was, had at least been something before.</p><p>Kat broke herself out of that vision. It did her no good when she dwelled like that in the past, only ever serving to deepen the hollowness in her chest. What would start as nostalgia for better times would inevitably turn into being lost in the memories of what had ended them. What had ended them-</p><p>
  <em>“How ungrateful can you be?”, her grandmother shouted. Kat was thirteen and sobbing. This was the worst possible reaction she could have gotten. It had taken so long to tell her grandmother what he had done and now she was being rebuked for it. “I paid for those lessons for years! I took you in! And this is how you repay me? How you repay Mr. Mannox?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m sorry! I just-”, she was cut off by the bang of her grandmother’s hand slamming down on the table. A mug fell, shattering on the ground and surrounding Kitty’s bare feet with shattered porcelain. She could practically feel the hot air that blew from grandmother’s nostrils, reminding her for a second of a raging bull. A deceptively fragile-looking hand flew into her hair, tugging her across the shards and toward the fuming woman. The stinging in her scalp and feet was immediately superseded by the sting of the next words.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You can’t tell anyone what you just told me. I’m not going to let you embarrass me”, the woman scolded harshly. Kat nodded, welling up and refusing to look at her grandmother. This was the wrong move. Her head was pulled up and she was forced to look her grandmother in the eyes. “Do you understand me, girl?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, ma’am”, Kat said in a watery voice. Her grandmother let go of the death grip on her hair and her hand moved to Kat’s face. She braced herself for a slap and instead her tears were wiped away. Uncharacteristic softness was painted on a wrinkled face. Conflicted feelings welled up in her. Her grandmother loved her, her grandmother hurt her. </em>
</p><p>She heard shouting from downstairs and flinched. It wasn’t directed at her, at least she hoped not. Kat shuddered to think of what might happen if her grandmother called her down and she didn’t at least answer. She wouldn’t be able to get out, she knew, wouldn’t be able to get downstairs fast enough to satisfy her grandmother’s needs. That’s part of what had gotten her into the trouble she was in now. Sometimes, she barely knew what made up reason had gotten her locked up in her room, but this time she was sure it must have been how she had slept in for an hour the previous day, not getting up in time to grab the eggs from the hen house so her grandmother could sort them for sale or for keeping. </p><p>Laziness was sin, so the old woman said, sloth and gluttony and greed all in one.  If she wasn’t going to hell before, surely she was now. Kat laughed a bit to herself, she had stopped believing in heaven and hell when she was young enough that she still believed in Santa. She had stopped praying after the first time<em> it</em> happened. </p><p>No, stop, she couldn’t think like that.</p><p>The shrill sound of her grandmother’s voice was filling the air, going down her throat and suffocating her. Kat couldn’t stop her shaking, programmed response to the noise.</p><p>To distract herself, she leaned over the window sill, staring over her family’s property line and into their neighbor’s land. It was such a large splay of open grazing field that the next thing Kat could see past the dairy cows was the horizon. She watched the animals mill about for a while, slipping back into a childish habit of making up stories of what they were thinking. This one was the little one’s mother and this one’s a princess. </p><p>A small smile spread on her face when she saw a girl around her age come out, trailed by a shaggy sheepdog that nearly bowled her over while it ran. The girl’s skin was dark, her hair was a jet black that shined slightly under the noon sun. The details of her face were impossible for Kat to see from the distance she was at, but she was enthralled by the confident sway to the girl’s step. She felt kind of creepy, just staring at her, but she had nothing better to do. </p><p>A pile of logs stood by the neighbor’s fence, about ten feet away, and the dark-skinned girl made her way over to it. The dark red flannel around that was slung over her shoulders was shifted to her waist, showing off toned arms. As the girl began swinging into the logs, chopping them for what Kat could only assume was firewood, her muscles tensed and strained in a way that made blood rush to her cheeks and the tips of her ears. She was probably bright red, reeling from thoughts that she knew she could never say out loud for so many reasons. Kat shook herself from her gawking. How was she any better than him if she could think about someone like that?</p><p>The girl looked up from her work, catching Kat’s eyes. The blush on her face spread further from the confident smirk that was sent in her direction, only visible as the girl was looking at her head on now. She gave a small wave, receiving a much larger one in return, one that showed off the girl’s toned bicep. Sweat was glistening off of her from the work she had just done and from Kat’s perspective, she looked like a very fit angel. She ducked her head and swore that she heard a faint laugh come up the breeze from across the property line. Her heart rate spiked as the girl swung her ax over her head, embedding it in the stump of a long cut down tree. Kat had to wipe her face to make sure she wasn’t drooling when the girl picked up the entire pile of cut wood and walked off with a final tip of the stetson that had been shielding her eyes from the sun, reveling them for just long enough to shoot a wink Kat’s way. </p><p>Kat’s spirits had risen for just a moment, just those few minutes of watching the girl. But it was back to reality now and her grandmother was calling. She wondered how long it would be before her grandmother remembered that her door was locked from the outside and there was no way for her to get out. She’d be punished for it anyway, she knew. All thoughts of the girl from across the fence were gone.</p><p>Kat couldn’t get a crush right now. She couldn’t afford it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Implied CSA, Child Abuse, Emotional Manipulation</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She waited for 15 minutes for her grandmother to realize that the door was locked. 15 minutes of shrill scream and threats, of banging and throwing, it may as well have been an hour. Whoever she had been talking to was making the woman mad and Kat shuddered to think of how that anger was going to be taken out on her. </p><p>When the door was finally opened, she was met with a glaring old face, wrinkled more by frowning than age. She felt horrible fear well up in her. Sometimes, it felt like her grandmother was a different person when she got like this, a Hyde with her face twisted and all thoughts of polite decorum thrown out the window. On good days, her grandmother was cold and detached, but caring to some degree. She put a roof over Kat’s head, clothes on her back, and food on the table. Shouldn’t that be enough? The thought had been drilled into her head enough times that Kat thought it must be true.</p><p>Her arm was grabbed violently and though she had the urge to look down at the floor, to not stare into the fire of her grandmother’s eyes, she knew that it would do more harm than good. Sharp nails, unkempt and hardened from years of work, dug deep into the flesh on her bicep, not enough to bleed but enough to mark her for days. </p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me the door was locked?”, was spat into her face. She had to think out her response, she had no clue what saying the wrong thing would do. The clock ticked loudly in the hall. The nails dug deeper, deeper, and her head span, nausea rising from panic. The seconds went by, moments felt like years.</p><p>Tick</p><p>Tick</p><p>Tick</p><p>Tick</p><p>“I- I just, well, I didn’t want to-“ and a second too long for her response. Another hand went to her chin, closing her mouth so quickly that she bit down on the side of her cheek, tasting copper from the force. </p><p>“It doesn’t much matter anyway, I have someone I’d like you to meet. And try to speak clearer, sugar, no man wants a lady who can’t get her words out,” her grandmother said, voice sickly sweet like she cared about her wellbeing. Maybe she did. Kat didn’t even know anymore. </p><p>Her feet felt like cinder blocks as she trudged down the old creaking stairs, great for knowing whenever someone was coming up or down but horrible for discretion. This house was a hundred years old and Kat wondered sometimes if anything besides the stove and fridge had ever been replaced. She was guided to the kitchen, where the shouting had been coming from before. </p><p>Sitting at the table was a man who Kat recognized as the former ranch manager from next door, before Miss Aragon was hired on and he was fired. He stood when she came in, running a hand through his oil slick hair and bringing the other down to shake her’s. Kay tried her best to return the handshake casually but must not have succeeded at the man pulled away and shook his hand playfully.</p><p>“You’ve got a strong one on your hands ain’t ya Agnes?”, he said in a voice so rich that Kat felt it dragged itself through her ears rather than flow. She tensed at the words, it meant she hadn’t covered herself up,the man saw her tells. Her grandmother let out a terse laugh, tightening a hand onto Kat’s shoulder.</p><p>“Strong sure, but she’s a couple nickels short of a dollar,” she said, with a flick to Kat’s temple that looked carefree enough but spoke of threats to the teen. Dumb yourself down, was said in the motion, don’t embarrass me. Kat forced a shy smile onto her face, though her blush was from nerves rather than embarrassment. I hear you, the smile replied, answering the silent order.</p><p>The man let out a hearty chuckle from the comment. </p><p>“And can I get a name to put to that grip?”</p><p>“Katherine, she’s one of my stepson’s ilk,” her grandmother replied before Kat could even open her mouth. The man’s face turned unreadable at the words, Edmund Howard has long since lost any respect that he once had in this community and that same idea was spread to his children. The man’s smile was wooden as he spoke, turning to look at Kat rather than her grandmother, his eyes so dark that Kat felt like she was falling into a pit when she caught them. </p><p>“Well, Miss Howard, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Francis Deherem and I-” he was cut off.</p><p>“Mr. Deherem is going to be helping out around here. I’m getting too old to keep these books and manage everything that goes on,” a pointed look to Kat,”and you’re going to be helping him out” </p><p>Kat’s insides froze at the thought of spending hours alone with the man. He hadn’t shown himself to be a threat yet, but she didn’t know what he could be hiding. It felt like the final nail in the coffin of her freedom to roam around the land, also. Clerical work wasn’t really her strong suit, she much preferred to be grooming and feeding the horses or pulling weeds from the alfalfa that they grew out back. Another steel door slammed shut in the back of her mind. </p><p>She gave a short nod of acknowledgement and the sly grin that was shot back her way sent shivers down her spine. For just a second, the slick politeness of Mr. Deherem’s attitude turned into the look that Kat thought the Big Bad Wolf must have given Red Riding Hood. For once, she felt a reprieve at the feeling of her grandmother’s hand on her back. </p><p>“You can go, sugar. Mr. Deherem and I have adult matters to discuss,” her tone was soft but Kat heard the command and had no desire to disobey. She scurried back to her room, heart pounding.</p><p>A million scenarios went through her mind of what Mr. Deherem might do to her behind closed doors. No, she was being paranoid and unfair. Mr. Deherem hadn’t done anything to her. Her grandmother always said she worried far too much. None of the other girls helping out on the ranch were half as skittish as she was and none had ever had as many problems. Kat was spoiled, she was told, sleeping in the main house rather than the ranch hand’s house. The girls and the men mingled all the time over there. It made Kat feel so alone. Was she the only one who had been hurt or was she the only one who said anything? Maybe she was weird for being upset. </p><p>She clenched her jaw against her tears, wincing as pressure was put on the cut up inside of her mouth. Pain throbbed from her arm, from her temple, from her shoulder. Her grandmother may be old, but she was strong and Kat could never bring herself to fight back against her bruising grips. She sighed, pulling out a first aid kit from under her bed and rubbed ointment into the rapidly forming bruises. </p><p>A barking came from outside her window, confusing in that they didn’t keep any dogs on the ranch. Horses, chicken, some goats and pigs, and a cat to keep mice out of the grain storage, but no dogs. She peaked out and found a sheep dog sitting directly below her. It barked happily at the sight of her looking down on it. It was the sheep dog she had seen with the girl from earlier, she realized. It must have gotten over the fence somehow. </p><p>Shouting soon came from the distance and the girl came over the horizon, running until she hit the property line. She was wearing the same flannel and wife beater, but her stetson was in hand, almost slipping out as she ran. Kat could see the relief that filled the girl’s face when she saw the dog sitting calmly at her window. </p><p>The girl shot Kat a wave before glaring down at the dog. </p><p>“Max! Böser Hund!” she shouted out, in a language that Kat didn’t understand. She hopped over the fence and snapped her fingers at the dog, walking closer. The dog, Max, seemed thoroughly scolded. Kat called down,</p><p>“Hey, neighbor! Seems he wanted to come for a visit, yeah?” She blushed a bit at her own boldness. It had been a while since she saw a new face. </p><p>“Yeah, he’s very friendly! I’m Anna, by the way, you?”</p><p>“Kat!” she replied excitedly. Anna placed her hat back onto her head and tipped it in Kat’s direction.</p><p>“I’ll see you around Kat!”, she said, blinding Kat for a second with her warm and wide smile. She noticed that Anna’s voice was tinged with an accent, her pronunciation just a little left of center.</p><p>“Yeah, see you around,” but Anna was already gone and Kat’s voice didn’t carry that far. She ducked back into her room, coming back to the ground from space. A private grin made its way onto her face, unbidden. </p><p>“Anna,” she whispered, savoring the syllables despite the commonness of the name.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Child Abuse, Sexual Harassment, Homophobia, Blood, Vomit</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In her first week working with Mr. Deherem, nothing much happened. He seemed nice enough she supposed. He hadn’t touched her yet, which was at least an improvement from Mr. Mannox. Then, over the course of a few weeks, he got friendlier. And as he got friendlier he got closer.</p><p>She hadn’t seen Anna in a bit, but she was too overcome with the growing sense of dread that came each time she spent time with Mr. Deherem to care much. </p><p>Kat woke up on a Sunday morning with a pit settling in her stomach. Her grandmother dragged her to church every week and, while Kat could normally grin and bear it, Mr. Deherem had been invited to come with them today. She hadn’t seen him at church since he’d been fired by Miss Seymour next door, but of course, when Kat wanted to skip church her grandmother saw it as a sin, but when Mr. Deherem did it it was the man’s right.</p><p>She went through her morning chores and ate a quick breakfast, knowing that her grandmother wouldn’t let her eat after church. Her church dress, one of only a couple dresses she owned, was some ugly floral number reaching her ankles that she was sure had belonged to her grandmother at some point. </p><p>Sliding into the pew, she felt a hand move onto her thigh. Mr. Deherem’s hand that is. It rose up on her leg, all too close to a place that she never wanted it to be. She searched her grandmother’s face for help, but the woman was actively ignoring her. Fear welled up, familiar anxiety. Kat knew her place in this situation. The antelope in the lion’s mouth, the deer ripped to shreds by the wolf’s teeth,  The last few weeks had been colored with that same feeling. </p><p> My my, she thought as he looked over her shoulder and straight at her chest, what big eyes you have.</p><p>My my, she thought as he grinned ferally at her each time she bent to pick up a file, what big teeth you have. </p><p>My my, she thought as he looked everywhere but her eyes as she spoke, what big ears you have. </p><p>It was some relief, she supposed, when Father Thomas began to speak. At the very least, when Mr. Deherem turned to pay attention his hand slid from her upper thigh to her knee. It wasn’t great, but it was something. When his grip became a vice, Kat accepted that this wasn’t something she was getting out of.  </p><p>She zoned out until the homily began, it’s not like she actually believed any of it, but if she didn’t pay attention to the sermon she wouldn’t know what kind of behaviors to avoid for the next week. Her grandmother had never been forgiving when it came to religion, bending her unrelenting faith into a tool to bludgeon Kat with when she disobeyed. Her eyes remained straight ahead, not wanting to see the glances that were inevitably being sent her way. She was Edmund the alcoholic deadbeat’s Howard’s daughter</p><p>“Friends, our community is under attack. That attack? Homosexuality. It is turning our daughters into men and our sons into women! The devil lives in each of their corrupted souls!” </p><p>If Kat could get tenser then she definitely did. Anxiety wrapped around her stomach and squeezed harshly as her breakfast threatened to come back up. It was all too familiar. Kat had never felt shame for loving women and she had known since she was 11 that it was girls alone that caught her interest. Her grandmother, however, thought differently. </p><p>
  <em>“Grandma! I think I’ve got a crush!” Kat shouted as she hopped into the house. She had only just been allowed to go into town for school and today she had met the most pretty girl she had ever seen! She nearly fell over as she slid into the main house. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s nice sugar. What’s his name?” Her grandma asked from the kitchen table. Then, with a pointed look at her feet, “And why, pray tell, do you have your shoes on in my home?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kat blushed under the scolding and quickly pitter-pattered back to the mudroom to kick her shoes off and come back before her grandma’s attention on her could wane. She always did that and it always made Kat so sad when the woman would trail off and send her out of the room. Luckily, her grandma was waiting for her to come back. She had even poured a glass of juice for her!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pulling herself on the chair, Kat nearly fell as her excitement made her clumsy. Her grandma chuckled tersely while she stumbled, surely wishing that she as more ladylike. Kat found her hands being grabbed to help her up gently. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay now sugar, tell me about this crush,” Kat took a deep breath before beginning. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Her name is Sarah and she’s really pretty and she said she liked my horse drawing!” she let out in one large statement without stopping for breath. Kat smiled widely, remembering her earlier interaction. Then, her grandmother pulled her hands away harshly, one falling onto the table with a thump and the other going to her cheek.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sarah? She’s a girl” her voice was cold and edged with a warning. Kat tilted her head. Of course, Sarah was a girl. “Girls don’t have crushes on girls Katherine. I want to make that very clear”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But, Sarah’s really pretty and I wanna kiss her! That’s what a crush is right?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Smack. Flesh on flesh. The force brought Kat off of the chair and to the ground where her skull slammed against the old tile. Blood gushed from her nose as a loud crack resounded. Years later, Kat could still see the square that had to be replaced after her grandma couldn’t quite get the stains off. Before she could react to the overwhelming pain and fear, her small shaking body was pulled up by her shoulders and she was made to look her grandmother in the eye. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I will not have you being a homosexual in my home. Do you understand me, girl?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kat whimpered. Her nose really hurt and all she wanted was the pain to stop. She couldn’t answer as she gagged on the metallic taste that ran down her throat. A cruel hand came out and shoved an open palm against her face. The shock from the pain made Kat let out a screaming sob. The edges of her vision went black and she fell to her knees crying.  The fire of fear burned through her body as she shook.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you understand me?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, ma’am,” she managed to whimper out. The act of speaking sent another throb of pain through her nose and her stomach bottomed out. Kat couldn’t stop the vomit that rose up out of her throat and on to the floor, panic coursing through her when she saw it tinged red. </em>
</p><p>Kat came back to herself when the sermon ended, reaching a hand up to touch her nose gently. There was the smallest bump, imperceptible if you didn’t know it was there, a remnant of that broken nose. She braved a look around the church and, surprisingly, didn’t find the usual judgemental stares. No, all of those hawk-eyed piercing looks were focused on a newcomer. Someone who they had never seen at church before. </p><p>It was Anna, sitting on the same pew as Miss Aragon and Miss Seymour. She shot a reassuring smile the girl’s way and received a nearly blinding one in return. </p><p>Yeah, liking girls was totally worth it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>No warnings as far as I know, please correct me if there is</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the day after she had seen Anna at church that Kat got to talk to her properly for the first time. Warm April Mondays meant church picnics and her grandmother always brought juice. They had a half-acre of orange trees that spread out past the horses grazing land. The middle of summers always brought the sickly sweet smell of dying fruit that had fallen heavily and rotted away on the ground, snatched up by deer or coyotes or something else feral and foaming that Kat preferred not to think about. In years past her grandmother always insisted on doing the juicing herself, but her joints were achy today and so the onus was on Kat to pick up the slack of the job.</p><p>It was monotonous work, plenty of time to think and think herself into dizzying circles. It was one thought that kept repeating in her head. <em>Mr. Deherem is dangerous.</em> It got louder and louder and louder and louder until she lost control completely. Kat dug her nails deep into the flesh of the fruit, letting the juices drip down her hands in sticky streams. Her hands became coated and tacky and her fingers clung together when she pulled them apart. Pure satisfaction filled her, the feeling of being the one to destroy rather than the one being destroyed. Drops fell onto the paper towel below her and she squeezed harder and harder until she felt the fruit squish between her hands and collapse fully.</p><p>As it fell onto the counter, drops of juice splattered across the counter and up onto Kat’s arms. The mangled corpse of the fruit joined the pools that splayed out across the cutting board. The pulp that remained in Kat’s hands was cool and popped in bubbles as her fists clenched. She brought a hand up to her face to wipe what may have been tears or may have been sweat off of her face, taking in the smell of the fresh juice that coated her hands. It was sugary and bright, like sunshine or smiles. Bright true smiles, like the one Anna had given her when she caught Kat watching. </p><p>The crushing weight that made itself into a familiar coil in her chest let up for a second. She had been looking into the life of Nikola Tesla, had seen him and his coiled wire and his birds and his neuroses and wondered if he had felt that same cloying madness as she did. If she coughed up the thing in her chest she was sure it would be shaped like her lungs.</p><p>She wanted to cry but nothing would come out. Just stinging and frustrations and cotton throated coughs that wracked her body. Her hands slammed hard and heavy onto the counter as she curled up in her frustration. She was trapped. Maybe she had always been trapped. Even before she had met Mr. Mannox, even before she had come to live with her grandmother at five years old, Kat’s decisions could never be her own. </p><p>
  <em>She couldn’t understand why her daddy was sending her away. Mommy had just gone to heaven, that’s what her brothers and sisters said anyways. Charles and Margaret both told her that she wasn’t coming back and Daddy didn’t have enough money to keep them all around. She was the youngest girl, so that meant she had to go live with Grandma. But she didn’t want to! Kat was happy here, in her family’s run-down apartment where she shared a bedroom with all her sisters and stepsisters and her brothers and stepbrothers slept next door, why should she have to go live on some stinky old ranch! But she didn’t have a choice, Daddy said to go and so she had to. </em>
</p><p>Sometimes, when she lay awake at night, Kat would wonder what would have happened if she had been allowed to stay with her family. Her father had another wife now, she knew, and some of her siblings had their own children. She wasn’t allowed to leave to see them though sometimes one or two would visit, remembering the little girl who had been shipped off because her daddy didn’t have enough money to feed her. </p><p>See, the ranch her grandmother ran made its profit in behavioral training and teaching for young girls. While Miss Seymour next door sold off milk and riding lessons and firewood, her grandmother did what she did best, beat young women into submission. The other girls who lived there were all sent for some delinquency, some moral failing of theirs that whoever had been meant to care for them decided was outside of their paygrade. Of all the people who had ever passed through that rough wood gate, Kat is the one who had been there the longest. She didn’t remember what it was like to go anywhere besides church or the ranch. Her crime that she was being punished for? Existing. She was going to be sent back at some point before Sara and Mr. Mannox had given reasons to keep her there. Kat didn’t bother to point out the hypocrisy of the two instances, the oxymoronic nature of her sins. Escape wasn’t a possibility anymore, there was no out for her until she turned eighteen and she waited impatiently for that day to come, ticking down minutes and hours in her head. Six months, she had six more months of shouting and grabbing and long looks before she could go wherever she wanted. </p><p>The juice was finished, she noted. Kat didn’t remember when the jug in front of her became full but she supposed it must have been her who did it. There was a dizzying haze that filled her and lasted until they reached the church field in her grandmother’s run-down pickup. Kat hopped out, grabbing anything that was too heavy for her grandmother’s elderly body and wincing at the burn in her arms that the objects brought, her wiry muscles had atrophied from the weeks of clerical work. It felt like a herculean effort to bring it over to the tables that held food of all sorts from the folks who gathered there. The patchwork meal matched the patchwork table cloth that had torn and been darned a hundred times over. </p><p>To her shock, her grandmother decided to let Kat go sit on her own at the picnic so long as she met back up with her at the end. Her heart warmed at the gesture, she knew her grandmother loved her. It was the small moments of kindness that one had to latch onto with Agnes Howard, bits and pieces of care that shone through her harsh exterior. It was a good sign, maybe if Kat was well behaved with Mr. Deherem she’d be allowed to see her horse again. </p><p>It was hard to find somewhere to sit, but then her decision was made for her. A blindingly white smile caught her eye, belonging to Anna who sat on a large blanket with Miss Seymour and Miss Aragon, gesturing Kat to eat with them. Kat shuffled over to her quickly, gratefully plopping down crisscrossed next to Anna.  </p><p>“Hi Miss Seymour, Miss Aragon. Hi Anna,” she greeted, keeping her voice as formal as she could. It wouldn’t do any good to come on too strong. The kindness in the faces of the two older women made her squirm. Hadn’t they heard about her?</p><p>“Katherine, it’s so wonderful to see you out. Agnes has been keeping you cooped up in there with Mr. Deherem, I was worried you wouldn’t see the sun again!” Miss Seymour joked, though there was an edge to it to that Kat couldn’t identify. “I see you’ve met our new ranch hand. Now when would you two have gotten acquainted?”</p><p>“Easy now Jane, don’t interrogate the poor thing. Look at her, the gust of wind coming from your mouth could send her bowling over!” Miss Aragon added in. Kat lost her appetite suddenly at the questioning, unfortunate when she didn’t know when the next time her grandmother would decide to punish her by taking away meals was. She set her plate down on the blanket and stared at a fixed point beyond Miss Seymour’s head. Luckily for her, Anna had no qualms about answering. </p><p>“Max decided to hop the fence. I found him sitting under her window and we chatted a bit,”. Again Kat picked up on an accent she couldn’t quite recognize tinging Anna’s speech. She tilted her head as she tried to think.</p><p>“Where’re you from Anna?” she asked finally. Immediately, she felt the urge to sink herself into the ground and slap a hand over her mouth for speaking out of turn. Especially since she was in polite company with Miss Seymour and Miss Aragon watching over them. To her luck, though, Anna seemed happy to answer.</p><p>“Germany, I’ve been here a few months only. I wanted a fresh start here in Texas once I turned 18 and Jane was happy to give me a job,” Anna explained. It was foreign to Kat, the way that Anna addressed her employer by her first name. Kat could never think of that kind of casualness with someone she was meant to respect. Okay, so she had to be casual right now. She tried to relax but found herself completely unable to. </p><p>“Are you okay, sugar?” Miss Seymour interjected. Kat flinched at the term of affection. She nodded rapidly, it wasn’t her place to worry Miss Seymour about issues that went on in the privacy of her grandmother’s home. </p><p>“I’m fine, just tired!” she reassured desperately. Her only hope was to get this conversation off of her. “So, Anna, what’s it been like for so far?” </p><p>“It’s been great, though Catherine has been busting my ass” Anna joked. Miss Aragon made a noise of offense and Kat tensed up, waiting for her to shout at her ranch hand for disrespecting her. It was a shock when she laughed off the comment instead.</p><p>“Hey! Blame Jane, I’m not the one signing your paycheck!” </p><p>“I’ve got a ranch manager so I don’t have to lay down the law, Catie,” Miss Seymour easily poked. The three all seemed so… relaxed with each other. Like they were a family instead of colleagues. Kat couldn’t remember the last time she had been allowed to joke like that. She felt so outside that kind of conversation like she was watching aliens interact. Anna sent her a look.</p><p>“Do you want to go for a walk, Katherine?” Normally, Kat would say no. Something told her that she should take the risk this one time. </p><p>“Sure,”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Implied Sexual Assualt</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Do you want to go for a walk, Katherine?”</p><p>“Sure” and she took the hand that was offered to her, leaving behind her barely touched plate of food and following Anna towards the far side of the field where Miss Seymour’s ranch was visible. Clumps of Brown Swiss grazed in the distance. Kat felt something rotten and bitter rise in her watching the way the mothers cared for the new calves. She knew that once the male calves were old enough they would be separated off, most of them being sold. It was completely necessary, the ranch could only support so much cattle and there was little use for them on a dairy ranch. Still, it was an all too familiar feeling for Kat. </p><p>“They are beautiful are they not?” Anna asked, startling Kat out of her thoughts. “Look at the way the sun shines off of them,”</p><p>Oh. She hadn’t really noticed that before. That the glint of light on the tan fur turned the velvety cows liquid, like coffee with too much milk in it to still be called as such. </p><p>“Yeah,” Kat said, voice cracking on the word with an emotion she didn’t know she was feeling, “I guess they are,”. Anna sent her a long look, deep brown eyes boring into her soul. </p><p>“Are you okay, Katherine? You’re shaking,” Anna pointed out. Right, she was shaking. Kat shrugged, the motion jerky and stiff. </p><p>“As okay as I can be, I suppose. It’s just-” she cut herself off. No, she didn’t know Anna well enough to confide in her about her problems. </p><p>“Is it about that uh, Mr. Deherem that Jane was asking about? She has told me some worrying things about him,” Now Kat knew what the conversation was. Surely it wasn’t actually about her well being, it was an interrogation. Everyone knew about Mr. Deherem’s reputation, about what had gotten him fired, and now they suspected that Kat was falling as deep into his honey trap. Maybe she was, with those long and lustful looks he kept sending her. But if she was going down she was going to be dragged. </p><p>“I’ve got no clue what you’re talking about,” Kat insisted, dead and cold as the corpse of her naivety. Before Anna could ask another question, a voice called out. </p><p>“Miss Howard, how lovely to see you! Your grandmother was looking for you!” Speak of the devil. </p><p>
  <em>Kat was six years old and she couldn’t sleep. She tugged on the bottom of her grandma’s skirt, looking up with bleary eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Can you tell me a story, Grandma?” <br/></em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Of course, sugar. Let me tell you about Little Red Riding Hood,” replied a sweet as syrup voice. Her grandma lifted her up and tucked her snugly into bed. “Once upon a time…”<br/></em>
</p><p>“Yes? Is she ready to go so soon?” Kat turned away from Anna to answer, ignoring the concerned hand on her shoulder. She shrugged the touch off, she knew this song and dance well. If she just insisted that nothing was wrong enough time, Anna would give up on her.</p><p>“No, I don’t think so. Why don’t you come with me, doll?” Mr. Deherem replied, voice black as an oil slick. Kat’s stomach dropped and bile rose up in her throat. Still, she came with him.</p><p>
  <em>A little girl in a big red cloak walked through the woods, a basket full of food.  She skipped and whistled to herself, a little song to remember her way. Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house, she went. She knew she should stay on the path, or else she might be lost!</em>
</p><p>“What did she need me for?” Kat asked as a vice grip closed around her bicep. She winced at the way that Mr. Deherem’s pristine nails dug into her flesh. A curling mask of all teeth stared into her. </p><p>“Oh, I don’t know,” he said easily. But the way he pulled her wasn’t towards the area where Kat knew her grandmother would be sitting with the other older ladies. Instead, it was towards a patch of land where no one was sat. </p><p>
  <em>Little Red Riding Hood did not know that there was a Big Bad Wolf eying her basket from the woods. He snuck up behind her and tried to steal the basket, but Red Riding Hood was clever and she didn’t agree let him.</em>
</p><p>“Mr. Deherem, where are we going?” she warbled out. Fear welled up pure and acidic in her chest. The hand slipped down to her wrist, long fingers encircling her much smaller form completely. </p><p>“Your grandmother is right over here, doll,” he insisted. Kat tried to pry his hand off of her but his grip tightened. His smile was more fang and incisor than blunt human teeth.</p><p><em>The wolf was more clever though, and he listened to her song. He followed the instructions all the way to her grandmother’s house and ate the woman up. The wolf put on the old woman’s clothes, and slid into her bed, ready to pretend to be here when Red Riding Hood came in</em>.</p><p>The hand on her wrist became an arm around her shoulders, pulling her faster and faster, so far away that no one would be able to hear her even if she screamed with her whole body, something that was becoming impossible as she froze with the familiarity of this situation. </p><p>
  <em>Red Riding Hood almost gave over her basket to the Big Bad Wolf before she recognized him. She teased him a bit, taunting him with her knowledge of his lies. This made the wolf very angry, and he rose, tearing off her grandmother’s clothes.</em>
</p><p>“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you, Katherine. You could drive a man crazy with looks like that!” What looks? Doe-eyed fear? Concentration? A sweaty palm made it’s way over her mouth and she was shoved roughly into the dark shed at the very edge of the Church field, one that hadn’t been used in years.</p><p>
  <em>And then the Big Bad Wolf swallowed Little Red Riding Hood whole.</em>
</p><p>Kat shrieked and kicked and fought as hard as she could, but she could not stop what Mr. Deherem was doing. Everything was numb and frozen with the horror that this was happening again. </p><p><em>Then the door of the cabin busted open</em>. </p><p>Then the door of the shed busted open.</p><p>
  <em>A woodsman cut the wolf in two, saving both Red Riding Hood and her grandmother from his stomach. </em>
</p><p>Anna was at the door and without hesitation, she pulled Mr. Deherem away and began beating the shit out of him, fist connecting to his face and cracks resounding from where her foot met his ribs after he fell to the ground. </p><p>Kat watched in shock, rapidly gathering her clothing from the dirt floor and getting dressed. From behind Anna came Miss Seymour, Miss Aragon, and her grandmother. The three women argued for a bit, voices rising over each other, but the ringing bells in Kat’s ears overwhelmed her. She slumped down against the wall, head dropping into her hands as tears she didn’t know she was crying fell to the ground. Then, it all went black.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Mentions of Sexual Assault, Mentions of Child Abuse</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kat woke up it was not in her own bed. In fact, it was not in any place she recognized at all. The air was thickly sterile, her world so bright and white that for a second she wondered if maybe heaven was real and she had somehow gotten in. Then the rest of her senses started to filter in. She was sure that heaven wouldn’t have thin scratchy sheets and beeping machines. There also wouldn’t be a dull ache that spread through her body and in places that, when she believed, she had prayed would never be in pain again.</p><p>A hospital, that’s where she was. As that thought came to her tears welled up hot and thick in her eyes. They stung even further at the realization that this was as far from her grandmother’s ranch as Kat had been in years. There was a creek at the door and Kat flinched. It was her grandmother, probably, here to scold her or kick her out. She wouldn’t beat her, not here, but it was coming and Kat knew it, could feel it as sure as she felt the air on her skin. </p><p>However, there was no Agnes waiting at the door. Instead there stood a young woman, only vaguely familiar to Kat, though her features reminded her eerily of her father. She wasn’t a nurse or a doctor, that much was sure, with the space buns and the leather jacket that lay over a t-shirt of a band that Kat was sure her grandmother would call the Devil’s work. The woman was raven-haired and mischievous looking, almost sprite-like as she crept into the room and gave Kat a kind grin. </p><p>“Who-” Kat stopped to cough as hooks pulled in her throat, “Who are you?”</p><p>The sharpness in the woman’s face faded entirely and turned to warm softness. </p><p>“It’s been a while hasn’t it, Kitkat? I know you don’t remember me, but I’m your cousin, Anne,” her voice sparked some hidden memory in Kat, the name more than anything. Anne Boleyn was the disgraced cousin, the one no one was meant to talk about. Apparently, she had been practicing paganism, something strictly forbidden in their religious town. Indeed, now that she was looking, Kat noticed a pagan star tattooed on Anne’s wrist. Kat hadn’t seen her cousin since she was 5, but she was 7 when Anne was kicked out. Now that she thought about it, she knew that Anne was only 15 at the time, but Kat had still been young enough to blindly follow what her grandmother had told her so she never bothered to question it. </p><p>The door opened once again and another woman about Anne’s age entered. She was shorter, with tan-brown skin and a poof of hair held to the side, dressed much more professionally than Anne was. Kat watched in half horror as the two shared a short kiss. How could they do that here where anyone could see them?</p><p>Her wide-eyed stare was noticed by the new woman who shot Anne a worried glance. Anne seemed to placate her with a look, and oh how jealous Kat was of their ability to talk without words. She knew what body language was, had depended on it for survival, but she had never seen it used in such a tender fashion. To her body language was clenched jaws and curled fists that meant that danger was brewing. </p><p>“Kat, this is Cathy. She’s my girlfriend. Is that okay?” The question was hesitant. Kat nodded as fast as she could without making her throbbing headache worse.</p><p>“Yes, that’s- that’s great!” Kat exclaimed, smiling widely. “I’ve never met another gay person before!”</p><p>Anne’s face brightened significantly as she came closer to the bed. Kat instinctively shifted away as Anne raised a hand to move hair out of her face. </p><p>“Kat, I-” Anne looked down at the ground, unsure, “Agnes doesn’t want you in the house anymore and since I’m your closest relative they want you to come live with me,”</p><p>Kat felt like she had just been punched in the gut. This was the final nail in the coffin, the complete desolation of any hope she had that her grandmother had loved her. Tears came to her eyes unbidden. Cathy moved closer now too.</p><p>“The other option is that you go to live with Jane Seymour and Catherine Aragon. Catherine’s my godmother and she said that they’d love to have you living there,” Her voice was neat but soft, like a perfectly square quilt. Kat closed her eyes against the tides of pain, emotional and physical, that were washing over her. She was so tired. All she wanted was to sleep in warm numbness and forget but that wasn’t an option here. </p><p>“You don’t have to decide now, kiddo. Everything that happens from here on out is up to you, okay? No one is gonna make you do anything,” Anne </p><p>Up to her? That was a terrifying abyss of sickly sweet hope and mind-boggling confusion that Kat didn’t want to fall into. Nothing had ever been completely her choice before and now everything was? Christ her head hurt. Not just her head, her chest was starting to ache something fierce. Why couldn’t she breathe? </p><p>It wasn’t the first time this had happened. She didn’t have a word for the way her brain would alight with fire and then crumble and collapse leaving her gasping for air, but she knew enough that it wasn’t normal. Kat had dealt with this alone before. </p><p>Then there was a comforting pressure on her hand, and for just a second the fire was quenched. She felt a different fire blaze, one that craved comfort and human touch in ways that wouldn’t hurt her. Anne’s hand was slightly calloused but it was <em>warm</em> and it was more kind contact that Kat could remember in recent history. A solid choice made itself known in her mind. </p><p>“Can I come live with you?” she asked, cracking and stuttering. Anne squeezed her hand and pressed a kiss into her forehead. </p><p>“Absolutely, kid,” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>No trigger warnings that I am aware of, please correct me if so.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The week she spent in the hospital went by as a massive blur for Kat. She spent it in pain, emotional and physical, as she listened to Anne and Cathy chat about what it was going to be like when she moved in with them, the logistics of it all. There was a debate on whether Kat should go to school but she was adamant that if she was turning 18 soon anyway, there was no point in going to a public school when she had never been to one before. Most difficult was the knowledge that what had happened was not being reported. Deherem, scummy as he was, had friends in high places and Katherine’s father gave her a tainted reputation. There was nothing she could do and the familiar feeling of helplessness coated everything. </p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Anne had said when she told Kat about it. Kat just shrugged, icy indifference making its way into the pit of her stomach. The cold was nice, frosting against the burning itch in her brain that had been screaming for a while now. </p><p>“It’s not the first time. This is just how we deal with stuff in our family, we push it away and forget about it,” Kitty responded, voice dull and full of void. Anne’s eyes filled with understanding. </p><p>“Yeah, we do,” she sighed resignedly. </p><p>The one face that Kat wanted to see most of all didn’t show the entire week. Anna had gone completely MIA. She was probably disgusted by her, sure she had beat the shit out of Deherem, but that was an impulse. Once she had time to think, Anna probably decided that Kat was weak and not worth her time. </p><p>Her thoughts were spiraling during that week in a way they so often did. <em>Worthless, weak, tease, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.</em> It didn’t stop. Anne tried to distract her, had brought her books to read and asked her how she wanted her bedroom to look, but even then the noises were too loud. She heard Cathy and Anne’s concerned whispers when they thought she was sleeping. </p><p>“I don’t know her Cath! I don’t know what to do for her!” Anne said, desperately. </p><p>“Therapy, Anne. You and I both know its the only thing that’ll help her at this point. That and making sure she knows she’s safe,” Cathy asserted. </p><p>“Why did I have to fall in love with a psychologist?” </p><p>“Future psychologist. And because I’m great and you are too,”</p><p>Kat struggled not to smile as she heard them speak. She had never had this with someone, this back and forth. Even second-hand contact was more than enough to rend her heart asunder. </p><p>When it came time to leave, Kat was informed that Anne and Cathy had already moved her personal items into their smaller house, just outside the city. Well, city was a strong term, it was more like a town, just on the edge of suburban, but compared to where Kat was from it was massive. She learned things on the ride there. Learned that Cathy was a student at a local university, getting a doctorate in psychology while she worked as an assistant in the office of one of her professors. Learned that Anne was an aspiring musician, that she was in a band called God’s Will (the name made Kat flinch, it was a phrase she had heard too many times) and worked shifts at a coffee shop. Something about it seemed off and so she felt a question burning in her, something she wanted to ask but feared it would get her in trouble. </p><p>While Anne was setting up her bedframe, stubbornly insisting that she didn’t need help, Kat pulled Cathy into the hallway. </p><p>“Why do you love Anne?” she asked, abruptly. Cathy’s eyes widened as she reeled back. For a second, Kat expected a slap, but it never came. </p><p>“What do you mean by that?” the question was much more gentle than Kat had expected. She shrugged, eyes on the ground. </p><p>“Well, you have a job and are trying to be a doctor, and she’s… not that. How do you love her?” Cathy’s face softened with sickly sweet understanding that made Kat’s skin crawl. </p><p>“Because I love her for who she is, not what she can do for me money wise. Wanna know what Anne does for me that I don’t think anyone, even the richest and most learned person in the world could do?” Cathy asked gently. She was from New York and Kat could tell in the way her words were short and rapid-fire, almost hard to keep up with. </p><p>“Sure,” Kat laughed out. </p><p>“She’s smart, the smartest person I’ve ever met. Creative to boot. And she’s so strong and she works so hard. She just… she gets me. I’ve never been the best at emotions, but Anne knows, Anne understands,” Cathy’s voice was soft and warm and like she was talking about the most amazing person in the world, “Do you see why I love her?” </p><p>Kat’s eyes filled with tears. Could anyone ever love her like that? Should anyone love her like that? Maybe she was too broken. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah I see it,”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kat curled up on her new bed, entirely unnerved by her surroundings. She was safer than she had been in years, much more secure than she had felt in the months since she had been working with Mr. Deherem. But as horrible as her grandmother’s home had been sometimes (most of the time, always), it was still home. The air didn’t smell like grass and wet hay, the room wasn’t as stuffy (AC was a blessing), and despite the light traffic outside, it was still more noise than Kat had ever heard at night. Sleep evaded her tonight, taunting her by weighing down her eyelids and tying her limbs to the mattress, yet refusing to click into her mind. <b><br/></b></p><p>Cathy and Anne had fought today, nothing major and they had made up but it was still overwhelming for Kat. Yelling was never just yelling, it was always the first step to a path of something worse. At least, that had always been the case in Kat’s experience. Her stomach curled into a first, punching at the lining of her abdomen, as she thought about it. Especially since she had been the subject of their arguments.</p><p>
  <em>“She needs to be in a regular school! We can’t keep her cooped up in this house forever!” Cathy yelled, hands running through her long curly hair in a motion of frustration. Kat flinched as her arms gesticulated, expecting her palms to find purchase across Anne’s face, but they never did. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Instead, Anne shouted back, “I know my family okay? There’s no way she’ll be ready to go to  regular school after what she just went through!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kids need normalcy!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kat needs time to get used to us before we send her to the sharks!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s just high school!” Cathy insisted, nose scrunched up and brows furrowed in frustration. Kat’s gut turned as she watched through the sliver of the open bathroom door. Her heart pounded as the shouting rang in her ears like a bell, reverberating around in her skull.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You don’t get it, Cathy! You don’t get the way my family operates!” Anne’s words dissolved into sobbing. Kat was terrified. She didn’t want all this fuss being taken over her. Maybe they would kick her out now, send her back to her grandmother now that they knew she was too much trouble. Whatever was said next, Kat didn’t hear. It was quiet and gentle mumbles muffled by sobs and it was just too much. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Honestly, she had no opinions about school. She could do with or without it. It wasn’t like she hadn’t spent her whole life surrounded by teen girls anyways. Troubled or normal, she had to imagine it would be much the same. The boys, well, they were of little interest to her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She opened the door, announcing her presence to the stunned faces of Anne and Cathy. Their calls after her were washed out by the drone as she rushed to her room.</em>
</p><p>The fact that she could lock her own door here made something stutter in Kat’s chest. It was the first time she had ever had a door that locked from the inside and she couldn’t quite get the fear out of her head that if she went to open it she would find that she was unable to get out. She kept finding herself staring at it, waiting to hear a click. </p><p>Her legs cramped and she shifted. And then her arms cramped. And then the legs again. A groan of frustration poured from her lips. She shoved the sheets off of her, letting them ripple and pool on the ground as she swung around to stand. There was a Juliet balcony outside of the window of the spare room (her room now, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Anne reminded her. The box she had yet to unpack with the last of her things spoke otherwise)  and it tempted her. It wasn’t meant to be stood on, but well, she needed the air. </p><p>Wind cooling her overheated face, Kat found herself staring at the sky. Cliche as it was, space made her feel small. In a good way, a comforting way. If she was small than nothing mattered. Her pain would fade away eventually, her successes and failures alike wouldn’t mean anything someday. She was nothing in the scale of existence, and being nothing was better than being the end of the world.</p><p>It was, of course, the brightest star that caught her eye. Sirius, the dog star. She stood, finger point towards the specks of light that illuminated the black velvet of empty air, and traced constellations. The familiar of course, Kat had always loved the story of Orion. But she looked for new shapes as well, making her own tales. There were a mouse and a cat and she thought of the way the two would chase each other, infinitely, in the cosmos. A punishment for the mouse or a reward for the cat, it would be much the same. </p><p>Finally, she tired herself out enough, sidling back into her room and closing the window tightly. The blanket over her felt like less of a prison and more of a friend for a moment. </p><p>A light passed outside her window, blinding her for just a moment. She blinked, slow and long. And slower, and longer. And the next time she closed her eyes when she opened them it was morning. The rest she had was dry, filling her throat with sand and leaving her just as hollow as before. Empty fatigue settled around her eyes and the pressure of a restless rest was pushing up her stomach and up into her throat. It was always odd to remember falling asleep. Maybe she dreamt, maybe she didn’t. She couldn’t remember it. </p><p>With a quietness that had been instilled from birth, Kat crept into the kitchen. She debated, for a moment, making breakfast. But when she had tried that before, Anne had told her she didn’t have to. The words could mean any number of things. It could mean she didn’t have to, but she should, it could mean that she just shouldn’t, that Anne didn’t want her to. Words were never just words. They never had been and they never could be. Not for Kat at least. </p><p>She was starting to realize that the anxiety she felt never changed. Everything was life or death. Schoolwork, ants, death, and the end of the world all sparked the same amount of never yielding fear. If anything, that was her closest friend. A constant companion keeping her warm when ice threatened to leave her shivering in the winter of her thought. A welcome bedmate when the idea of sleep was worse than the idea of staying awake, allowing her to fight fatigue with spiraling panic. A firm and all-encompassing weight when there would be no hug any other way. She was almost sure that she would miss it if it were to leave.</p><p>There was a letter on the kitchen table, and Kat dared not touch it. What she needed to know she would be told, there was no need to go snooping around in things that didn’t concern her. But a quick glance brought unfamiliar handwriting with a familiar word. Katherine. </p><p>She slipped her thumb under the envelope, lifting it up. It wouldn’t open cleanly, though she tried, so she tore it a bit. Pulling out the paper inside was equally grueling, her hands sweating and shaky. It was plain notebook paper, folded in thirds and the outlines of a pen pressed too hard into the paper carved their way into the back. A deep breath, eight in, hold four, eight out. And Kat unfolded it.</p><p>
  <em>Katherine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You deserve better. If you ever come back, I want to help you get it. I’m sorry for what’s happened, but I hope this can bring you some light, even in the darkness. </em>
</p><p>The tone was stilted and the letter was short, but still, it brought a modicum of comfort. Light and dark were familiar, she had heard those words a million times before. It was better to think of things in terms of right and wrong. It made it easier to sort people, to sort acts. Her grandmother was bad when she hit her or yelled at her. She was good when she was kind and when she took care of her. If she thought of it as two different people, there was no need to try and reconcile the two halves. </p><p>But who could it possibly be from?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m sorry it’s been so long since I posted! I promise updates will be more regular from now own, my mental health has just been crazy during quarantine lol.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kat ran her thumb over the lines of the letter, taking comfort in the idea that anyone from that hell hole too insignificant to even have a name could actually care about her. Her heart thumped with the thought of who it may be from. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Anna</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The guess alone was enough to send her mind racing with ideas of romance or being saved. Her own knight in shining flannel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sound of a door opening startled her out of her reverie, the letter falling from her fingertips that she had only just then noticed were slick with sweat. Her heart thumped for an entirely different reason. Maybe she should have made breakfast anyways just to be sure, but what if that made Anne mad, maybe she should hide the letter, but Anne probably brought it in and expected her to read it so maybe acting like she hadn’t seen it would be worse-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kitty? You okay?” Anne asked, voice muddled with both sleep and concern. Her hand came to rest on Kat’s shoulder. It caused such a violent flinch that Kat’s stomach slammed into the table, an ache spreading there that was as familiar as it was painful. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry for all of the fighting last night, we really should have asked you what you thought. Now, do you want to go to school or not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart dropped to her feet. There was a right answer here and she didn’t know it. There was always a right answer, no matter how open ended the question or how warm Anne’s eyes seemed. She swallows around a lump in her throat and answers, “I don’t know,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And as she waits for some sort of push, verbal or physical, all she receives is a smile. “That’s okay, let's talk about it,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t go to school in the end. Only a few months out from 18, desperate to run as far away from here as she can the moment she does, what’s the point in forcing her into a cesspool of teenage hormones? Cathy ( “I feel like I should have like, a title for you. Or at least call you Ms. Parr?” “You don’t have to do that, Cathy works just fine,” “...okay…”) keeps tight-lipped on her disagreement with the decision but Kat can tell she isn’t happy. Oh well, just another disapproval to add to her ever growing list. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only problem with her choice was that it meant that she was perpetually bored. And it meant that technically, they were breaking the law by not homeschooling Kat, who had learned all she knew from the frankly poor education provided at her gran- Agnes’ rehabilitation program for troubled girls. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kat sat one afternoon staring up at the ceiling, flat on her back and feet tapping an aimless rhythm on her mattress. The swirls of the plaster held her eyes, following their waves and cracks and stains told a story in a way that only a home could. Something light settled in her chest as she imagined things among those waves, ships or fish or any number of things. She had never actually seen the ocean, but girls had come to the ranch from all over and they were more than happy to get on her good side until they realized that they weren’t going to get out of there any faster because they buddied up to the owner’s granddaughter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A knock came on the door, making Kat jump and setting her heart racing. She was grateful for it though, because it meant that she didn’t scare when the door creaked open, something that often sent Agnes into rants about how it was her home and she could go wherever she wanted. Anne entered, smirking, arms behind her, though the rectangular box she held was still clearly visible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…” Anne’s words dragged dramatically, something just softer than mischief in her eyes, “I got you a present!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Confusion took over Kat, quickly replaced by sinking guilt when Anne held the box in front of her, showing it to be a laptop. Kat had never owned any electronics, and the only computer she had ever used was Agnes’ old boxy thing that made a noise like a dying cat when it started up and even then only to help her sort through emails. But this thing was slim and shiny and she was almost paralyzed as Anne slipped it out of it’s package and placed it on the previously bare desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anne, no, I can’t-“ Her protests caught in her throat as she choked up, feeling sick. No no no, she already owed Anne so much, she couldn’t take this. Anne’s face quickly shifted into something more serious, and turned to look at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why not? I’ve got some extra cash saved up, and you need something to keep you occupied. Figured it would help with school too, maybe be able to find some online classes or somethin’” Now Anne blushed, looking sheepish. “Maybe that was a dumb idea, but you can still use it for games or find some friends online. It’s gotta be pretty lonesome cooped up here with just me and my girlfriend,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kat shook slightly as panic gripped her. Oh God she was going to need to find a way to pay Anne back, she should find a job. But Anne wanted her to use it for classes, maybe that’s why, and she actually wanted Kat to go to school but she didn’t say it. “It’s too much, I can’t take it,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really don’t mind, Kitten. This thing was pretty cheap anyways, it’s an older model,” That was a shock to Kat, it was the newest thing she’d ever been trusted with. Hell, even her clothes were cobbled together mostly from her older cousins who grew out of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- okay. Thank you so much Anne. You’re the best,” The words barely expressed her true gratitude. How could she tell Anne that this felt like having a wound cleaned and wrapped that had been left open and festering for years. Her words seemed to put Anne at ease, her cousin waving her hand and getting closer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, scooch up honey,” Kat scrambled to fully sit up, making space for Anne to sit. Her cousin’s hand rested on her shoulder, kind and warm, only her fingertips rough from guitar playing. “I’ve got one more thing for you,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anne no, the computer is already so much I can’t-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey now, this didn’t cost me anything,” Curiosity took hold as Anne slipped a sheet of paper from her pocket. “Now, I know I told you that Ms. Aragon is Cathy’s godmother. Apparently, there’s someone in Ms. Aragon’s household who would like you to put this computer to good use,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And on the sheet read, </span>
  <em>
    <span>annavonkleves@gmail.com</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her email. Anna was giving Kat her email, something she could use to contact her whenever. And suddenly that laptop felt like something she couldn’t fight against because holy hell she can talk to Anna. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anything you wanna tell me about this Anna?” Anne teased, poking her in the side. Heat rushed to Kat’s cheeks, she must be bright red. “Aw, does my baby cousin have a crush?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- well I’ve only spoken to her a couple of times. But I like her a lot,” She looked down at her feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, it seems like she likes you a lot too,” Anne said, still teasing but slightly more sincere. Yeah, Kat thought. Maybe she did.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kat’s fingers shook above the keys of her new laptop, Anna’s email address typed in the sending bar but the message space painfully blank. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hi Anna!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, that was too enthusiastic. She didn’t even know if Anna liked her, what if she thought her too eager or annoying. A tightness rose in her chest, along with a hot itch up her neck and on her chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Anna,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nope nope, horrible. That was way too formal, and dear? They were teenagers, not old lovers. Though the idea was Victorian and oh so romantic. Anna was so gallant, she had saved Kat after all. No, okay no, she needed to focus. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Miss Von Kleves</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ugh, wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Anna,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Okay, okay that could work. It was simple enough. Now it was time to actually write the damn thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s nice to be able to properly talk to you. And thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly thank you. You’re just incredible. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath. Where do you even go from there? What did she even know about Anna? Her stomach churned nervously, the pure fear of letting the waves of feelings that welled up inside her spill from her fingertips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I want to get to know you more. What brought you to America? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least then Kat would have something to discuss with Anna, something other than what had happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’d love-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’d like</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ew</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I look forward to hearing from you! </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Katherine Howard</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sent it without looking at it again, and then immediately closed the laptop. If she waited a second more she would chicken out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>God, she missed her chickens. And her horse. Kat had this wonderful chestnut quarter horse named Princess, a shy thing she helped birth. She would do anything to see her again, but this tiny home on the outskirts of a small town didn’t exactly accommodate a horse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kat needed something to distract herself, and quickly. Clearly, daydreaming was just bringing her more melancholy than was worth it. Her shoulders were tight with tension and if she was alone in her head for a second more she would probably start crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She scuttled out of her room and down the hall to the small living room area where she could hear the noises of an old sitcom, the type that her grandmother was too old for and she was too young for. For just a moment she wondered if her mother and father ever watched this type of thing, but she didn’t really know either of them well enough to know and the few times she had encountered one of her siblings after she was sent away the topic never arose among the stilted silence and strained smiles. Breathing deeply, she stepped out into the room proper, clearing her throat to announce her presence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Cathy jumped a foot in the air.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Kat!” She startled, hand going to her chest and eyes blown wide, “How long have you been standing there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Feeling the back of her neck heat up, Kat smiles awkwardly, “Uh, about a minute or two? Sorry for scaring you,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no it’s fine,” Cathy took a moment to catch her breath, “You and your cousin both, I swear. I should put a bell on both of you,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kat didn’t have the heart to tell Cathy why someone in her family might be so skilled at hiding in the shadows, at watching in silence. The girl was studying psychology, she was smart enough to figure it out on her own. They stared at each other in a tense silence for a moment before Cathy broke it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there something you needed?” She asked, a hint of excitement in her voice at the prospect that Kat may be actually expressing a desire for something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just uh- I um- I don’t want to be alone right now,” Kat stuttered out, hearing her heart pounding in her ears at the request. It was so loud that she almost didn’t hear the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, do you want to watch tv with me or do you want to go somewhere? Anne is out right now,” The way Cathy laid out the options was so different from how her grandmother would. Agnes was always looking for the right answer, her questions so open ended that a million possibilities ran through Kat’s mind, none of them correct. Then she wouldn’t answer fast enough and it would be too late. But Cathy seemed to know to only give her a couple of choices, both equally good, and much less overwhelming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we go somewhere? I uh, heard you talking about a book store and I kind of wanted to check it out cause I didn’t really get a chance to take any of my books? It’s fine if not though, we really don’t have to if you don’t want to. Actually never mind it was a dumb suggestion, it’s fine,” Kat panicked despite herself, quickly backpedding when Cathy did not interrupt her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kat,” Cathy said finally, tone soft and warm, “I would love to go to the bookstore. Let me get my purse, and you can pick out a few books you like,” And knowing where Kat’s mind was going she added, “On me,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The car ride was much less tense, mainly because they had music to cut through any lulls in conversation. Kat found herself baffled by the way Cathy drove, often only one hand on the wheel or taking both off for brief moments. It was so at contrast with her normally buttoned up nature, and how Kat herself had always learned to handle a vehicle. She would call it reckless if not for how Cathy managed to keep steady and at pace despite her nonchalance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what kind of book do you like?” Cathy asked her as they entered the store. Kat stumbled to answer verbally but gestured jerkily over to where she could see a selection of teen romance. Suddenly she felt embarrassed at asking such an intellectual presence to buy her what Cathy probably considered a waste of time. But there was no judgement in her eyes, a bit of amusement that made Kat’s skin crawl, but nothing cruel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s dumb but,” She cut herself off, arms wrapping around herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, nothing you like is dumb,” Cathy gave her a smile that turned conspiratorial, “Wanna know a secret?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love young adult dystopian novels, I have piles of them in my bookcase behind all my serious things so that when my school friends come over none of them can see them,” Cathy’s tone was that of someone relating nuclear launch codes, and something fuzzy welled up in Kat that she was being trusted with something that was deemed so important. It made her feel so much more welcome to pick up two, no Cathy insisted, three new romance books. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time she got home, she had completely forgotten about the email. Well, until she opened the laptop up and found a reply.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Kat,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Funny you should ask. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter will be Anna’s POV!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Some of Anna’s POV. TW for a minor injury</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Anna’s muscles burned with the effort of chopping wood. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>crack split thunk </span>
  </em>
  <span>of it was a balm on her overheated synapses. Her shoulders in particular burned from the repetitive motion of the work. But she had no complaints, it gave her time to think on the object of her affections. One Katherine Howard, who has been so close to opening up to her, before she had been dragged away by that Arschloch Deherem. There was something in her eyes that just pulled Anna in, some magnetic force of imagination and curiosity and tepidness that made her want to dive into the lakes of amber and find out what had made Kat what she was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What brought you to America? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, it was a long story, and not one she particularly enjoyed thinking on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kat,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s funny you should ask. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How to put it into words was difficult to say the least, partly because she was still honing her English and felt she could not do it quite justice, and partly because she did not wish to think on it much longer. If she did she may begin to not believe that the stinging in her eyes was from the sweat dripping down her forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She missed her kleine Schwester. Amalia didn’t deserve what happened. William and Sybelle she could trust to take care of themselves, but she couldn’t help but wonder about how Lia was doing without her. Anna didn’t like the thought of the little Feuerwerkskörper in trouble without her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I never wanted to leave Deutschland. I never thought I would have to. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t conscious of the blood dripping from the cracks in her dry and damaged hands. It was no more warm than the sweat and no more painful than the regular soreness and her mind was across the ocean in a Startseite that she couldn’t go back to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was made to come here by things I could not control and I do not like to speak on it much. But I think it may be good for you to hear it</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The log became the face of her Lehrer and her Mutti and  every other person who had forced her into this situation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know little about you, but I think we both have a restlessness. A drift. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anna set the ax down, finally seeing her bloody palms. The sight combined with the crimson stained handle painted a grisly scene. For a moment she felt powerful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My Mutti wanted me to marry a man who I did not love, but who loved me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wiped her hands on her jeans, wincing when the fabric pulled on the raw skin. A groan escaped her as she realized she would have to slog the cut wood up the hill on her aching legs. The burn of it only added to the flames licking up her entire body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He barely spoke my language, and made me learn his more. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wood fell back into the pile with a satisfying thunk, no real order to it. She pulled the rain tarp back over it and headed inside, preparing herself to be fussed over by either Jane or Catherine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am not averse to men, but I am averse to pigs. And he certainly was one</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anna? What happened?” Jane’s steel gray eyes widened in concern and she abandoned her task of cutting carrots, fingertips stained a faint orange and the whole room smelling sickly sweet from whatever it was she was making. Her boy sat near her feet, looking just like her with the same gaze and hair that reminded her of the down of chicks. Jane’s hands were soft as she turned her palm over and sympathetically ran down the split lines they found there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s only from the axe handle, it will be fine in a few days. I can handle it myself,” Anna assured, though she was certain that Jane wouldn’t be taking a no for an answer. “I am sorry for getting blood on your tile, Jane,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, none of that, you know it’s no problem,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had money, though, and lots of it. I think my Mutti thought he would keep me safe and well.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told you we ought to get the girl some work gloves,” A voice said from behind her. Catherine leaned easily against the door frame to her office. Despite this her appearance was, as always, near immaculate. Most of the workers had gone home, but both Catherine and Anna boarded here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I told you that I would think about it,” Jane sniped back, teasing but not malicious. She returned her gaze to Anna. “I think you may need some help sorting those out,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, I can help her, you finish up supper,” Without another word, Catherine took Anna by the arm into the small downstairs bathroom. Anna went easily, trusting this process by now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She was wrong, but I don’t blame her for this</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Catherine’s hands were less gentle than Jane’s but more precise by a long shot. She had a daughter of her own, Anna knew, not much older than her and studying abroad. “This might sting some,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It did, but it was over quickly. And the bleeding had stopped. Anna gave her a wide open smile, trying to impart some ounce of her gratitude. “Is there anything else that needs to be done today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope, you can relax. The only thing I might ask you to do is distract the little one so Jane doesn’t trip on him while she cooks,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anna nodded her assent, taking care of Eddie wasn’t really work. He was cute.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He got bored and we had a divorce. We were married maybe six months, from the day I turned 18.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was only twenty minutes later when Jane called to say that supper was ready. Anna lifted the giggling boy from her lap, pulling her bracelet out of his hands. Settling him down in his high chair proved a bit of challenge as he wouldn’t let go, but coaxing from his mother calmed him some.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She slipped her hands into those of Jane and Catherine, putting her head down and smiling at Eddie’s little babble of confusion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My mother said I had to leave, and I cannot come back.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We thank you, Lord, for this meal,” Jane began, “And for allowing us to eat it together in peace,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Amen,” Catherine agreed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Amen,” Anna said, half believing it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His name is Henry, and I do not know if he wishes to find me, but I do know that he could if he wanted to.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sincerely, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Anna</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her bandaged hands were steady and sure as she typed the last of the message that night on her computer, and she closed the tab to play a game she had downloaded to pass the time. Kat would reply, she knew. There was no doubt about it.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Y’all did want to know where Henry was right?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anna stretched, groaning at the burn in her muscles.  It was a not completely unpleasant pain, grounding at least and it certainly woke her up. A sharp bark came from her side, right in her ear. Max took up over half the bed, squeezing Anna against the wall with his massive weight. </p><p> </p><p>“Max, ich brauche dich zu bewegen,” she grumbled, elbow digging into the wrist deep fur of the dog's side. He growled but conceding, hopping off the bed and freeing Anna up. There was something urgent curling in her stomach, something that brought her immediately to her computer to check her email. Sure enough, she had a response from Kat already. She smiled at the thought of the girl typing this out to her late at night, waist-length deep brown hair pulled back and bitten down nails tapping away. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Anna, </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry to hear about all of that. If you need anyone to talk to I’m here for you. It’s hard to feel like you’re home somewhere when you have no choice but to be there. I don’t know that I have a home. But I think I would like to. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kat Howard </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> PS However you feel, you’re my hero.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That last sentence filled her with the warmth of the sun, despite the cold worry at the rest of it. A hero? No, Anna was not a hero. She was a coward who ran thousands of kilometers across the world to avoid having to face even the country where her Mutti and ex-husband were. </p><p> </p><p>“Good morning Anna! Are you…? I’m making pancakes,” Jane greeted her when she and Max got downstairs. Anna didn’t know the word that Jane had said, some part of her grasping at basic English she had learned in frustration. It was a simple word too, one that she knew she had learned when she was quite young and should easily remember but in her tired state, it slipped past her completely. The syllables of it ran over and over in her head until a spark of recognition lit. <em> Hungry, hungrig </em>. And Anna felt all of a sudden very small and very foolish for forgetting such a simple word that was so similar to the one she already knew. She swallowed her discomfort to answer.</p><p> </p><p>“Ja, I’ll be right there, I just have to let Max out,” Max’s name was not one Anna had chosen, nor was he technically her dog. Mainly he was used to help herd the cows, but Anna had taken on the responsibility of taking care of him since she had been here. It was just one more symbol of gratitude to Jane for giving her a home, even if it was in exchange for work. </p><p> </p><p>She took a deep breath of fresh air while opening the door, taking in the vague grey-blue of a sky right after it rains. The cows were braying in the distance, having been let into the pasture last night. Max ran out ahead, chasing after the birds that were sipping at the dew covering in the grass. There was buzz that filled all the empty space, of mosquitos and dragonflies. The smell of the air was fresh and clear, rain and damp rotting wood. For a second she just breathed in the sight, letting herself be present and sink into the moment and the mud.</p><p> </p><p>It was with dread sitting heavy in her stomach that Anna sat at the table, giving a quick ruffle to Eddie’s hair. </p><p> </p><p>“Jane?” Her accent came on thicker in the word, turning it into something far from what it was. Still, Jane turned to look at her with kind eyes and a warmth that made her feel ill.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes?”</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you fire Mr. Deherem?”Jane hadn’t expected that. She sputtered and almost lost her grip on the spatula, which dissuaded absolutely none of Anna’s worry.</p><p> </p><p>“How did you hear about that?” It was Jane’s turn to sound nervous.</p><p> </p><p>“At that church picnic you sounded like you knew him and I asked Father Thomas. He said you fired him. Why?” Anna didn’t mean to sound desperate but well, she needed to know. The loneliness in Kat’s email had pushed her to it though.</p><p> </p><p>“Because of Miss Howard,” While Jane sounded ashamed, all Anna could feel was disgust. “He would be leering at her over the fence all the time, I don’t know if she ever saw but we all did. I thought- I hoped that if we fired him he wouldn’t be able to be hired nearby anymore. Obviously, it didn’t work, and Agnes wouldn’t listen to my warnings,” </p><p> </p><p>“Why didn’t you…” But what could she have done? Deherem hadn’t done anything illegal by being a creep. There was-</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing I could do,” Jane looked so tired all of a sudden. “I tried so hard to keep what happened from happening, but Agnes just <em> wouldn’t listen </em>,” Her voice broke on the last word, and suddenly Anna felt so out of place. This, this raw emotion wasn’t something she had any experience in. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not your fault,” But the comfort was empty. Anna did blame her. She didn’t know why but she did. </p><p> </p><p>“It is though, isn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe. Probably not. It’s his fault,”</p><p> </p><p>There was a pregnant silence that only ended with the creaking of the stairs as Catherine came downstairs. Somehow, even though it was first thing in the morning, she still looked perfect. Anna wondered how long she had been awake, how much effort it must have taken for her to look that good. </p><p>“Guten Morgen, Anna,” Catherine’s German was just off and heavily American accented. Anna smiled at the effort anyways. </p><p> </p><p>“Guten Morgen, Catherine,” </p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got exciting news about your friend,” She said in a singsong way. Anna’s face heated up, though she knew the blush wouldn’t be visible. Catherine was smirking at her knowingly anyways.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Cathy, my goddaughter, is dating her guardian,” Catherine explained, “And I may be able to get her to bring Miss Howard here to visit,”</p><p> </p><p>“Is that a good idea?” Jane cut in, “Maybe Anna should go out to visit her instead,”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, wait, why are you so sure that I want to visit with her?” Anna was a bit offended that they were talking about making decisions for her. But well, they weren’t wrong. </p><p> </p><p>“Anna, you’re not exactly subtle,” Jane poked at her, though it was still weak from the tenseness between them. Anna sighed, shaking her head with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Whichever works out better is okay, her coming here or us going there,”</p><p> </p><p>“Cathy was going to come to visit either way,” Catherine reasoned.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine,” Jane turned her attention back to the pancakes, brow furrowed.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Anna had a thought, “Why do we have so many Catherines?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, Cathy is named after me,” Catherine explained, “But uh, oh wow it’s weird that your friend is named Katherine too,”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So y'all liked it when they could email? What about them being able to TALK?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter Thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW: IMPLIED CHILD ABUSE</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="">
    <p>“Kitty cat, I have a surprise for you,” Anne teased in a sing song tone. Kat looked up from where she had been typing away at another email to Anna and gave Anne her full attention. She was smirking, eyes twinkling with something like mischief mixed with warmth.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yeah?” Her voice cracked on the question, belaying her anxiety at what a ‘surprise’ from her cousin could entail.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Anne strode confidently into her room, chains on her jeans jingling as she did so. It was honestly a bit intimidating. Her chest tightened with fear, though she knew logically that Anne wouldn’t hurt her.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You know your little girlfriend?” Anne teased. Kat immediately flushed, though her heart was racing now for a different reason.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I- Anna is not my girlfriend! We barely know each other!” She protested, nose scrunching up and glaring as best as she could.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“But you knew exactly who I was talking about,” Kat went silent, her face going from lightly brushed with pink to a furious red. “Well anyway, you may go get to visit her. Cathy wants to go out to see her godmother and I don’t see why we shouldn’t make that an excuse to give you and your not-girlfriend some alone time,” Anne wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, though the motion was overall comical when combined with her objectively scary outward appearance. Kat, however, couldn’t really focus on that as her mind raced in circles.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Seeing Anna, she would get to see Anna again and talk to her and touch her and laugh at her jokes and and and-</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And Anna lived not half a mile away from her grandmother. She might see her, no, she would see her given her luck. And if Kat saw her grandmother any peace she had gotten over the last few weeks would be gone, she just knew it. She would do something to ruin it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I- Agnes,” Was all Kat managed to choke out in fear, her heart pounding out of her chest. Anne came up next to her, though she didn’t touch her, something Kat was grateful for but really didn’t need right now. Since Anne clearly wasn’t going to initiate contact without permission, Kat instead almost tackled her cousin over, burying herself in her side and taking comfort in the slight smell of cigarette smoke that permeated all of Anne’s clothing. That’s when Anne started to sing.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>The memory was foggy at best, she was six after all and these sorts of things were always blocked out and choppy in her mind. It was a family event, back when those were still new to her. Edmund Howard and his children had never been welcome there, but Agnes Howard and her granddaughter were. And so this little girl with hair recently shorn to her chin in frustration of an old woman who couldn’t get out years of tangles was running around and being presented like a hot commodity to these people who claimed to be aunts and uncles and all degree of cousins. A woman who she would later come to know as Miss Seymour was there, though from what Kat could remember she was a Mrs. something at the time.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Hey!” Called a voice from behind her. Katherine huddled behind her grandma, trusting her to keep her safe from this stranger. Instead, she was shoved forward towards the girl in front of her.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Katherine, dear, be nice. This is your cousin, Anne,” Katherine finally looked at the young teenager in front of her clearly. About middle school age with undercut unnaturally black hair that was just choppy enough to be done herself. A healing stick and poke tattoo of a star was outlined in bright red skin on her wrist, shown off proudly by cut off sleeves. And her grandma’s sneer told her that this was not someone she should be looking at with so much awe.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Can I play with her?” Katherine asked tentatively, scared about whether it would be the wrong thing to say. Instead, her grandma sighed and let go of her shoulder.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Fine, come back in a bit though,” And with that the woman stalked off to chat with the other adults.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Alright Kit, you seem cool. Can you help me with something?” Anne gave her a mischievous smirk, one that set Katherine on edge and thrilled her at the same time. A big kid wanted to hang out with her?</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>Whatever happened next she doesn’t remember, but she knew she would get into a lot of trouble. And she started to panic, and then Anne, who she’s only now realizing was Anne, was there.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Hey, hey don’t worry, I get in trouble all the time, you’ll be okay,” But Anne’s smile was strained and distant. Kat knew now that she was well aware of how their family dealt with trouble. “Uh, shit, what do you need?”</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>Katherine gasped at the curse, even through her hyperventilating sobs. She gagged on how hard she was crying, in that way that only little kids who haven’t learned to restrain themselves and feel that all things are the end of the world do.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“How about this, I write some music, do you want to hear it?” Anne was clearly panicking too, but Katherine nodded. Her older sisters used to sing to her when she couldn’t sleep, maybe this would stop the ripping feeling in her chest. It was a song that Katherine didn’t remember the words of, she probably couldn’t understand them anyway. But by the time her grandma came to get her, Katherine felt safe.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>That night might have been the first time her grandmother hit her, but honestly it was hard to differentiate when it started. One day, her grandmother was something she thought would protect her, and then suddenly she wasn’t. The line was odd and blurry and not as thin as Kat wished it was.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It had been eleven years, but hearing Anne’s voice again, properly, not shouting over the radio or muffled through walls, made Kat remember that last moment of feeling safe. Anne would make a good mother, she thought.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“What if she hurts me again?” She gasped the question out, clutching onto her cousin tightly. Anne grasped her back with just as much gusto.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“She won’t, I like you kid. I won’t let her.” Kat looked over Anne’s shoulder and into the door frame, catching the eyes of Cathy, who was crying, hand pressed tightly over her mouth.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I want to go, I want you to see your godmother and I want to see Anna,” She pulled back from Anne, wiping away her own tears and laughing a short and wet laugh, “And my horse,”</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter Fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The sun seemed brighter out here. That was the first thing Kat noticed as she apprehensively ducked out of Anne’s car. Maybe it was because there were so few power lines, and the next thing Kat could see in the skyline was mountains. Nothing blocked out the vastness of the bright blue blanket spread above them. She was almost reluctant to go inside, but one look to her grandmother’s home only a few hundred feet away sent her running into the unfamiliar place. Once or twice she had gone around to Miss Seymour’s home, she was family after all, in the way that so many people around here were her family somehow (A second cousin she thought, though she wasn’t sure if it was genetic or through marriage). Somehow, though, it felt like an entirely new space. The air in here was suffocating, cloying its way down Kat’s throat. Her heart pounded in her ears, though it felt like the organ itself might be somewhere near her feet, so low that Kat worried that she may trip over it. Texas was always dry, no matter where you went the air was lacking any sort of moisture for most of the year, but right now her throat was made of sandpaper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then there was a drink of cold water. Anna, just as beautiful, maybe more, than Kat had been imagining her. Because she wasn’t some perfect knight or some image of a savior. She was just a beautiful girl and everything from the small gap between her two front teeth and the way she put her weight all on foot, was utterly perfect. Kat wanted to rush forward and kiss her, badly. Something in her was shocked that she could still be a romantic and something else wondered how she could not be with a beautiful girl like this in front of her. Her heart sang to even be in Anna’s presence and then she realized she had been standing still entirely too long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Kat finally choked out. Anna just smiled at her in a way that made Kat’s insides feel fluttery. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, why don’t we get set up and then you two can do,” Anne tilted her head, clearly holding back a laugh, “Whatever kind of telepathy you’re trying to do here,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anne, don’t tease them,” Cathy chastised, “You nearly broke your nose the first time you tried to ask me out,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was on roller skates!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their flirting may have gone on longer but Kat didn’t hear it, too focused on the fact that Anna had come forward and taken her bag from her, her hand brushing against Kat’s own. It was surprisingly soft, none of the callouses that Kat would have expected. In fact, she seemed to have some damage,a bandaid right over the center of her palm. But then, Kat had been doing farm work for most of her life and Anna had only been here since the summer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look wonderful,” there was a curl on the </span>
  <em>
    <span>ful</span>
  </em>
  <span> that sent a shiver down Kat’s spine. “You can share my room if that’s okay, we only have the one guest room,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s perfect!” Kat said, far too enthusiastically. Anna just laughed as Kat’s face burned bright red. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They went upstairs, Anna guiding her towards her bedroom. Kat felt slightly nauseous from the combination of embarrassment, yearning, and fear that right next door was the woman who could rip apart all of this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was too good, it was too golden and shining, and her grandmother (Agnes? Could she call her a grandmother when she hated her now?) didn’t have custody anymore but it wouldn’t be hard for her to get it back from two twenty-something unmarried lesbians. She took a deep breath to try and settle down, but it must have been more of a sigh because Anna turned to look at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright, Kätzchen?” There was a slight shock at the nickname, though Kat didn’t know what it meant. It felt familiar and kind. “Here, come sit,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kat sunk down into the creaking mattress, careful not to invade Anna’s personal space. “I’m fine just… kind of overwhelmed,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything I can do to help?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just need a second to breathe,” Shutting her eyes tight, Kat tried desperately to control her shaky breathing. In the silence, she could absorb all the information that was just sitting on the surface of her mind without sinking in. A warmth came from her side, creeping towards her hand. Opening her eyes, she saw that Anna was reaching towards her, slowly and carefully, her eyes silently asking for permission to move closer. Kat nodded in assent, the world seeming to stop as they touched. Her breath hitched in an entirely different way as she stared into the deep brown, nearly black depths of Anna’s eyes. They leaned into each other, gravity surrounding them and bringing them ever closer, closer, closer,clo-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kat’s heart jumped into her throat. Too close too much too fast. She pulled back quickly, panting. Anna pulled back as well, eyes wide and hands up defensively. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, so so sorry,” Anna pleaded. The noise was so loud, Kat felt like she was drowning. She waved dismissively, trying to make Anna just be quiet. The silence that followed was a cool balm to her overheated nerves. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minutes passed like this, Kat gasping in desperation, and Anna merely inches away. When the sounds of crashing waves (and how weird was it that she thought of waves? Kat had never seen the ocean let alone heard it) finally subsided, it was only the familiar noises of her hometown that surrounded her. That and Anna’s careful breathing brought her slowly back into the present.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we can wait some for that okay?” Kat asked, honestly nervous that Anna may turn her down or call her prudish like the girls at her grandmother’s school used to. But all she saw in Anna’s face was sympathy and understanding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“However long you want,” Anna promised with a sincerity that made Kat’s teeth hurt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A hug would be nice,” And sure as that she was in strong arms. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm not dead I promise! I've been school busy but I still love this fic!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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